CHARLOTTE, N.C. -- Take a quick scan of magazines in the checkout aisle and you are bound to come across a headline of “how to be a great lover.” These stories usually revolve around the romantic or sexual part of a relationship.
In truth though, there is much more to being a good “lover” than just these two things, says counselor Mike Vaughn. To love well, you must have four elements, he says. They are: friendship, romance, service/sacrifice and affection. A healthy and loving relationship is going to exhibit all of these in various ways and in varying degrees.
According to Vaughn, friendship is an important part of a romantic relationship. This is the part of love that exists around shared interests, and the peace/ease of just being with that person (much like our best platonic friendships).
Service and sacrificial love is an unconditional love that brings the commitment to the relationship. It‘s presence gives the relationship stability, Vaughn added. Affectionate love is characterized by fondness and admiration. It isn’t forced, but rather, happens naturally.
Finally, romance is the emotional and physical passion that exists between people.
From those four things there are usually several behaviors present in our relationships, noted Vaughn.
Those are selflessness, openness, loyalty (faithfulness), forgiveness and empathy. These are mostly self explanatory. Vaughn says it is important to note, though, that empathy is easy to show when the relationship is close, but empathy in the midst of conflict is one of the best gauges of our love for each other.
Vaughn says if you want to be a great lover, rate how often you see these five things in your relationship, and resolve to work hard at the places you need to improve. If you do this, you will leave the headlines behind and truly be a great lover.
