There are so many questions that come to a child’s mind when a new blended family comes together. What will the new step-siblings be like? How will the relationship with their biological parents change? How will the step-parent treat me? There are a lot of factors to consider when families are blending. Below are tips to help these families to live a balanced and blended life:
Plan Ahead. Talk with the children in advance to prepare them for the changes they can expect to see as a result of the families blending. Give the children time to get to know the step – parent and the new step siblings in advance of the family merger.
Create a list of family rules. Discuss the rules with the children and post them in a prominent place. This may diminish some tension in the household. Somehow in the rules, you have to allow the children an opportunity to appropriately vent their frustrations.
Decide who will be the disciplinarian. I recommend that the biological parent remain primarily responsible for discipline until the step-parent has developed a solid relationship with the children.
Step-parent -Be prepared to be tested. As a step-parent, you can expect that your step -children may try to manipulate and challenge you in your new role. Work together as a couple to help the children adjust to the new family.
Attempt to get along with the ex-spouse. Whether you like the ex or not doesn’t matter. You still have to communicate in a civil manner regarding the children. It is important to let the other parent know what is going on with their child. Communicate as much as possible.
Put the needs of the children above your own. Remember not to let your personal feelings about your ex and what happened between the two of you prevent you from doing what is best for your children. Don't ever bad mouth the other parent or the new spouse in front of or around the children. The best way for the children to have a healthy and productive life is for all the parents to work together. You and your ex will always be the parents to your children.
Participate in everyone's special events. As a blended family, your calendar has to be filled with activities and commitments. Make sure you spread the love around and show up at everyone’s events as much as possible. Also, minimize the amount of extra activities one child participates in if it prevents you from going to another child’s events in your blended family. It will make the child feel so honored to know that their parent and step-parent came to support them.
Encourage Strong Step - Sibling Relationships. It is hard enough for biological brothers and sisters to get along. When you throw additional children in the mix, it is a real challenge to avoid the sibling rivalry and the hurt feelings. The goal is to do everything possible to create a close bond between the siblings so that they will grow closer together in life. They will be able to turn to one another in crisis times and create great memories together. The only thing you can demand in this situation is that they respect each other.
DO NOT disagree with each other in front of the children. When spouses have conflict it should be discussed behind closed doors. It is so easy to quickly stand up for your own child and blame the step-child for anything that goes wrong. It is equally tempting to accuse your spouse of unfair treatment toward your child. Remember that this is a new situation for everyone involved and it will require some adjusting.
Stay in control of your emotions. Do not lose control of your emotions and start screaming at your new family members. Instead, try sitting down and talking at a level tone. You have to be level headed and act in an adult manner. Make sure you are leading by the example you want them to follow.
You can watch Daily Balance with Kim Jacobs, on PBS - WTVI every Saturday at 10:00 A.M. If you would like to hear more tips from me, you can see me as the Daily Balance Expert every Wednesday for a segment on Charlotte Today (WCNC – News Channel 36) between 11:00 AM -12:00 PM. Feel free to also email at kim@dailybalancewithkim.tv. Visit www.dailybalancewithkim.tv to learn more about the show. Thank you for your continued support.
