Now that Peyton Manning has retired from football, he needs something to occupy his time -- and some of that time appears to have been spent writing sick burns.
The Comedy Central Roast of Rob Lowe aired on Monday night, and even though the former Broncos quarterback was the only roaster not to swear, he still packed a mean punch – making jokes about everything from Ann Coulter to Arizona State to Rob Lowe’s track record of canceled sitcoms.
Here’s what he had to say about Rob Lowe:
“Five years ago ESPN NFL Insider Rob Lowe tweeted out to the entire world that I was retiring from football – not five months ago when I actually did retire, but five years ago, Soda Pop Curtis tweeted that I was done. Finished. I mean Rob, I didn’t try to ruin your big moments. I didn’t tell people when the Grinder got canceled, or when “Dr. Vegas” got canceled, or when “The Lyon’s Den” got canceled, or when “Moonbeam City” got canceled, or when your DirectTV commercials got canceled. Heck, I was thinking if you’d been quarterback for the Broncos last season, the freakin’ Super Bowl would have been canceled. In fact, the only thing you’re consistently on is Twitter.”
For the record, Rob Lowe did tweet that Peyton Manning was retiring. And since he’s good friends with the owner of the Indianapolis Colts, the rumor spread like wildfire.
Lowe wasn’t Peyton’s only target. He also got in a few lines about David Spade, saying:
“As you know, I followed my father’s footsteps but David, your father snuck out of the house so quickly he didn’t leave any tracks – but you did any way David. You went out and you got a business degree from Arizona State – although to be fair, we all know that a business degree from Arizona State is just a bar towel that says ‘you read good.’”
As well as Jeff Ross and his likeness to a certain rapper:
“Jess Ross, I love that new hairstyle, pal. It makes it so much easier for women to describe you to the cops – now all they have to say is ‘he looks like fat Pitbull.’”
And like everyone else, he went after Ann Coulter – who did not look particularly amused:
“Wow, I just realized I am not the only athlete up here tonight. As you all remember, earlier this year, Ann Coulter won the Kentucky Derby.”
Peyton didn’t just dish it out. He was also on the receiving end of quite a few jokes – like from Nikki Glaser:
And from Jeff Ross, who said:
“I just got Peyton Manning’s first book. It’s called ‘Football Good. Fire, Bad.”