Reality Roundup

Commentary

11:00 AM EST on Friday, March 12, 2004

By BRIAN MORAN / Special to WCNC.com

Any avid Survivor fan knows that it’s about time for a true power player to get Eisnered with a merge forthcoming. But nobody would have guessed how big of a player would get the axe. The Holy Grail of reality television was on the chopping block and the game’s weakest player held the axe.

We start with some reminiscent moments of the Survivor that was. It’s obvious that this week’s edition has a tough act to follow with last week’s debacle at Jeff’s expense.

Sixty seconds into the show I wonder if the best part of this episode might be the recap of last week’s outburst.

We start with Mogo Mogo. Shii Ann is struggling with Jerry’s work ethic. She‘s shocked at her behavior and tells Kathy, “She just (expletive) all day long.” Have you ever watched Survivor Shii Ann? Or Surreal Life for that matter? Jerry isn’t known for her tolerance; just ask Corey Feldman and M.C. Hammer.

Kathy agrees, “She’s a bad seed, an annoying seed.” She also drives Colby up the ying-yang. He notes her attitude hasn’t changed since Survivor 2. Neither have your teeth Colby. Do you think Crest Whitening Strips were his luxury item? He’s like the Cheshire Cat. All you see is his grin.

Jerry self-reflects, “I am constantly being underestimated. Everybody expects the Zen like, Easy-going Jerry?” Come again? Apparently Jerry has never watched Survivor before, either. Reality icons are not known for their self-awareness I guess.

As the players arrive at the first challenge, the question still looms if it is for immunity or reward. Jeff announces that the winning team will be taken to an all you can eat barbecue. They get excited but not that excited. Jeff adds that there will be an open bar. Now we’re talking. Who wants the substance that keeps us alive when you can get sloppy drunk and urinate on rafts?

The challenge consists of jumping from a dock and swimming to a buoy that has a puzzle piece tethered to it beneath the surface. The pieces are returned one by one to the dock where they are assembled to construct a boat. They are to paddle the boat into shore where one member of each team will run a short land race to untie a knot which raises the tribe’s colors.

The first twist of the week is a good one. This challenge is for reward and immunity. The second twist is even better. The winning team gets to take one of their opponents with them to reward so they don’t have to go to immunity. Nice, if Richard was still in the game, he would already be contemplating who to take. If Johnny Fairplay was in the game, he would try to drown somebody and then make a peace sign.

Heat one consists of Rob and Jerry. Boston Rob runs down the frame of the boat-to-be and gets a great running start whereas Jerry jumps straight from the dock providing Chapera with an early lead. Geez, Jerry, haven’t you ever played Sharks and Minnows. Shii Ann goes next and she borrows Rob’s philosophy capped off with something that I wouldn’t quite call a dive. Honestly, I don’t know what I would call it. I think belly flop might give it too much credence since her landing pad was essentially her face. Kathy also does the Shii Ann dive but lands more on her stomach as opposed to her head.

Chapera loses their lead during boat assembly. However, Mogo Mogo gets handicapped by Ethan who breaks the paddle while trying to use it as a tool. Boston Rob realizes they are falling too far behind and shoves off without the boat being fully assembled yet. It pays off as the finishing touches are added by Rupert while the others paddle. This is good stuff. It has an “Amazing Race” feel to it.

The land race comes down to Ethan and shocker: Boston Rob. They both look exhausted. Boston Rob makes up huge ground while Ethan struggles with the knot. The shot cuts to the other cast mates eagerly looking into the tress. As always, Boston Rob comes out ahead. It would be nice if people added my city of origin to my name. Actually, scratch that, I don’t think “suburbs of Philly” Brian would scare too many people at a poker table.

Things get tight in the boat battle but Mogo Mogo edges off the wrong way most likely because Shii Ann held half of a broken oar as did Ethan. And after what feels like 45 minutes, Chapera wins it in the end. What a challenge, maybe the best ever. Kathy is bawling.

Chapera takes Kathy with them and I am little stunned. Jerry seemed like the obvious choice. Take the person who was most likely to get voted off and let the others cut throat, but what do I know. The Tylenol push through the pain award for last week is granted to Sue. Again I am little stunned since she walked off the show. I can’t blame her though, if Richard tried to do the naked Lambada with me, I don’t think Tylenol would help.

A yacht comes to pick up Chapera and things really get funny. Tom is awed by the boat. “This is fanciest house trailer you’ve ever seen, and it floats,” he says. That’s right Tom, and grub’s awaiting you at the fancy-eating table. The meal looked amazing but I had just finished a frozen pizza so any meal would have looked amazing.

Back at Mogo Mogo, Ethan confesses, “I feel largely responsible for what happened out there.” No, don’t be like that, Ethan. All you did was break the oar, lose a 30 second lead in the land race and push the team off course by paddling with the skinny part of the oar. There’s no shame in turning into an I Love Lucy skit with reward and immunity at stake.

Chapera makes it to their destination which is essentially an oasis with an elaborate dessert assortment. They tear into it and chocolate is all over their faces and on the ground at their feet and I am salivating. I am going to grab an ice pop, that’ll be just as fun.

Jerry and Shii Ann start fighting over what could possibly be their final meal. That’s good Survivor play there. The Cheshire cat has a tough time deciding between whom is more annoying, Shii Ann or Jerry.

Speaking of a Lucy skit, back at sea, golf clubs are dispensed and Boston Rob brags, I was on the state championship golf team at my high school. He takes a John Daly swing and his feet fly out from under him and he lands right on his butt. First chink in the armor there Rob, you are now officially not as cool as I thought you were.

After rewinding Rob’s swing eight times, literally, it finally gets old, and we move on to Big Tom. Tom takes a practice swing and falls off the mat. Rob’s façade is completely shattered as the game ends with the driver slipping out of his hands and sailing 60 feet out to sea. What’s going on Rob? This has to be strategy. He must be doing this on purpose, he can’t be this klutzy.

Colby and Ethan decide its Jerry’s turn to go. Lex takes Jerry for a walk, and confides that he is not with Colby and Lex. He wants to take out Colby and of course, Jerry pounces on it. So all of sudden, the vote rests in Shii Ann’s hands. Colby predicts a slam dunk 4-1 against Jerry.

Things get a little snippy in tribal council. I think Colby realized he was in trouble and he cuts off Jerry when she tries to express that the strongest competition should go. She then goes on another spiel about this phantom person named Jerry that we have never met. She says she’s very uplifting. Maybe she’s talking about Jerry Maguire.

Voting begins and things shake down as planned. It’s 2-2 with Shii Ann’s vote still on the board. Jeff reads the final vote, “The seventh person voted out of survivor is…” extra long dramatic pause…”Colby”. He doesn’t look as angry as I had hoped and he heads back to Wonderland to crank out some more Gillette commercials. Don’t worry Colby; Rosie O’Donnell will probably give you another Harley.