Reality Roundup

Commentary

10:50 AM EST on Tuesday, March 16, 2004

By BRIAN MORAN / Special to WCNC.com

In the realm of “Does it make me a bad person because I’m watching this?” type shows comes MTV’s newest inspiration. It’s called “I want a famous face,” but only because “I have an insatiable hatred for who I am” was too long and not very marketable. Essentially, it is a rip off of the popular new series Extreme Makeover, except with parental consent forms.

Extreme Makeover doesn’t make viewers uncomfortable because it features 48-year-old single women who say helpless things like, “I just want somebody to tell me I’m pretty.” MTV’s version is a little harder to stomach. I found myself asking, “Should I be watching this” and more importantly “Should I be writing about this?” Of course, after some minor internal conflict, the answer was yes on both accounts. This is a little revolting but interesting nonetheless.

We meet Mike and Matt, youngsters that are identical twins and they want to look just like Brad Pitt. Their last name, yup, you guessed it: Schlep. I wish I was making this up. Quickly we establish that these kids have some issues. Their fascination with Brad is a little creepy. They use words like gorgeous and beautiful and sexiest man alive. The only thing they watch are his 15 movies that they have in their collection.

I am trying to envision them looking like Brad Pitt and it hurts my head.

They are not really that bad looking. They would be alright looking guys if they were hockey players. If they grew their hair out, wore huge dorky glasses and had one more brother, they would be dead ringers for the Hanson triplets from the movie Slap Shot. “We're putting on the foil, every game…want some?” I really used to love those guys until they sold out and made Slap Shot 2 with that annoying Baldwin with no talent.

We have our first heart breaking moment early on when they say, “We are definitely ugly guys.” They decide on porcelain veneers, nose job and chin implants with Mike going the extra mile with jaw and cheek implants. I’m thinking, “How about some Retin-A?” Their acne is by far their worst flaw but not nearly as bad as me when I was a freshman. Two weeks of that stuff and I was cleared up and well on my way to getting my first girlfriend, seven years later.

Their issues become a little deeper when they decide to go to an acting class. They were asked to perform a cereal commercial and it was a little hard to stomach. They made A.J. Soprano look like DeNiro. Their articulation and voice projection were excellent but it was a little high pitched like a Sesame Street character explaining the difference between far and near. The acting coach said as calmly as she could, “sounding natural is a practiced skill”. Yeah, I know. I have a heck of a time sounding natural on a day to day basis. People are always telling me I sound like the Romper Room lady.

Their self awareness of their looks doesn’t translate well to their acting ability, “We have natural acting skill so we don’t need acting classes.” This is getting painful.

They decide if they are ever going to make it big, they are going to have to change the name Schlep. That’s disappointing. I was looking forward to hearing things like, Slap Shot 3 starring the Schleps.

It gets worse. We move to the clubs where they don’t seem to lack any confidence. They are getting rejected and pressing onto the next girl with little care for self respect.

I think it’s safe to say we are dealing with Trust Fund kids. I thought it earlier when Mike snapped at his Mom and threw a little temper tantrum but now he rolls up in a Mercedes and I don’t think his acting career could pay for that.

He picks up a girl for a date that Pitt himself might have some trouble nabbing. He then pours his heart out to her because that is what you do with a camera crew following you around. “I really care about you a lot. You are an all around beautiful person.” She looks spooked. I think she might be swallowing her tongue. She offers, “I might sound confusing but I don’t want to tell you I like you because I don’t want to lead you on after you said all that.” That was really well worded. Why couldn’t my high school rejections sound like that? Mine were more like, “I don’t really see what I have to gain by dating you”. Or “I just don’t know if I am in a position where I need to settle.” Ah high school, lonely days, good stuff.

The surgeries are going to cost $12,700 and $9,800…definitely trust fund babies.

We then meet the doctor and he looks a little challenged when the fellows say they want to look like Brad Pitt with a straight face. He tries to temper their expectations, “his nose is a bit small…I mean compared to yours.” Course so was Cyrano’s. They are not discouraged however. They go skipping out of there like dogs with their heads out the car window.

Suddenly, we are presented with a quick flashback to Chris, an aspiring actor from Philly. He wanted to look like Ryan Phillipe. His looks like a boxer and his nose is somewhat deranged. I thought he was probably having a nose job as well. But no, he has already had one. He shows a picture of himself from before his procedure and believe me; his nose was absolutely fine but he complains about how it’s slanted. How can you have a nose with no slant? What do you want a square nose? That’s like having your eyes fixed because they are round. And your feet fixed because they have these five tiny things sticking off of them.

He says he picked a plastic surgeon out of the phone book that was the closest to his house. Let that be a lesson to you kids out there. Don’t pick a plastic surgeon based on who is within walking distance. Don’t be afraid to ask a friend for a ride. In fact, call me, I will come get you and take you somewhere reputable.

Chris continues his story by saying when the surgery was complete a friend told him his nose was crooked. He says, “It’s a little off center.” A little Off Center? It’s nowhere near the center. It’s like the leaning tower of Rhinoplasty. We then get a close up of his nostrils which manage to make amoebas look kind of consistent. He reflects on how he took out a $5000 loan for his crooked nose.

Wow, thanks MTV for the nice break. Now I am positively sure the Schleps are making the right decision. Not sure what the point of that was, but I like it. We dive right back in to the Schleps' story and it’s just as horrifying.

The surgery looked awful. It looks like they have third degree burns. I never want anything jammed that far up my nose. One thing is for certain, I will never have plastic surgery, even though my nose is kind of slanted.

Following the surgery, Matt looks bad and Mike looks horrible. He looks like the elephant man as he says, “I wonder if I look like Brad Pitt.” Yes, just like him, after hours and hours of repeated kicks to the head.

The family’s ice machine must be broken because the guys sit around with bags of frozen peas on their face. Their relationship is actually a little eerie. Earlier they patted each other on the butt and now we’ve got some hand holding. I never held my sisters hand unless I was setting her up for some sort of chokehold.

The nose unveiling goes well. Matt’s looks great, still a bit of a slant however. Mike’s looks good as well. The before and afters look positive. They go for a spray tan which elicits a chuckle out of me. I am trying to envision the Hanson triplets in a shower cap in a tanning chamber. “Yeah! We go a lot of losses!”

They get their hair done which makes them look like the saucy Sandra Dee at the end of Grease. Or Beck when he sang Loser, take your pick. They get head shots for acting and they actually look pretty good. Wait a minute, where did their acne go? You can’t slip these things past me. They left that out of the whole process and it was probably the feature that gets the Most Improved Player award.

We close with a party where the hot girl that Mike dated earlier says, “You guys look sexy.” Off camera, she admits, “They're no Brad Pitt.”

Finally, a frat guy looks on in horror as Mike explains all his implants. He processes what he just heard and pulls a Jessica Simpson, “Are those dentures?”

Brian Moran is a freelance writer for WCNC.com. Click here to send him an email

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