08:29 AM EDT on Friday, July 22, 2005

By BRIAN MORAN / Special to WCNC.com

ABC provides a frightening look into the “Beat the Clock” mantra of Manhattan singles surfing the Internet dating landscape with its new hit ‘Hooking Up’. Instead of hitting the ATM and washing your car, these socialites update their resume, lie about their age and then engage in a courting process that has less spontaneity than an arranged marriage.

After five years of monogamy, I feel I’m pretty detached from the freak show the dating scene has become. After watching this show, I feel that if I ever find myself single again that I’d be destined to die alone. The regimented sophistication is no place for a dork like me. Things have changed a tad since I last donned a money shirt. When I was dating, I started every rendezvous off with a little Ralph Wiggum to break the ice, “The doctor said I wouldn’t get so many nose bleeds if I would just keep my finger out of there.” (With dead straight face, mind you.)

Today’s “all-business” women would eat me alive. There no’s time for silly humor. In all honesty, there’s no time for anything except a canned sales pitch disguised as off the cuff flirtation.

In the first episode, there was a serious depravity of reality. I thought the show would be a real life ‘Sex & the City’. It was just that but with a total lack of interesting or original conversation. And the show's title didn’t represent as there was very little hooking up. The dates were grueling interview sessions where the girls sat back and pondered whether or not their suitors were sponge-worthy. The guys looked like they were about to be assassinated and they were begging for their lives.

Things changed this time around as everybody was getting some action.

Things kick off with our southern belle Amy, who feels ready to be put out to pasture at the ripe old age of 28. She contributes to the “Things not to say on a first date” cause with this gem: “I want to make babies!” This week, she decides it's go time with Chris, the professional poker player. (Translation: unemployed) She tags along to his rugby match and ends the game with, “If you don’t feel like showering now, we can go to the barbecue. If you do shower we can do it right away because I have to do it now.” As misguided as these guys have been, I was waiting for, “Wow! A barbecue! You think they’ll have hot dogs?!?"

He manages to close the deal but blows it because Amy’s sister felt he was too aggressive. She obviously was unaware of the earlier shower statement which I think hosed him. He seemed like a cool guy. Amy has her reservations after seven days of dating, “I’m not sure I want to marry him.” Well, heck, if you’re not sure after a week, you’ll probably never be sure so it’s probably time to move on.

We then join Cynthia, who last week struck me as someone who needed to loosen up. This week, we learn she’s got a rolodex full of booty calls. She obliges one such call after a date with Nathan who she met speed dating, which is all the horror of dating multiplied by eight and compressed into an hour. Nathan seems like an alright guy until he trumped Amy in the “What not to say” category with ”After my last date, the girl sent me an e-mail saying that on our date, while I was talking, she realized that she was a lesbian.” These are the kind of things you take to the grave. Or at the very least to the second date. He made my Ralph Wiggum rip-off seem reasonable.

Maryam is our next shopper. She meets the tall, handsome and tidy Sam who seems like the perfect guy with exception of the fact that he’s got leopard skin sheets. Her opening query, “You look just like Collin Farrell. Do people think you’re gay?” (Subtle.) The drunker and flirtier she got the more uncomfortable he looked. When she tried to cuddle in the cab, he looked like he had a spider crawling up his neck. He was frozen stiff. She asked repeatedly if he liked girls to which he calmly responded that he did. She talked him into her bed but there was nothing happening from where I was sitting.

My two cents are that these singles need to tone it down a notch, not try so hard and be normal. On my first date with my wife, I did two tiny acts of preparation. I prepared about five jokes that were even lamer than the Wiggum thing. And I drank about seven Stoli’s to relax. The rest is history, albeit blurry.

Dating is not a science fair project. If memory serves, I think it’s supposed to be fun. If you treat it like a book report, you’ll end up alone anyway no matter how much brute force you apply. Don’t talk about how well it’s going. Don’t talk about ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends. And don’t talk about converting people into lesbians. The rest is gravy. You can’t force it. Be funny. Be flirty. If you’re way better looking than the person you’re with, do everything you can to make them feel comfortable. Don’t force them on stage to try to win you over. If you’re way uglier than the person you’re with, don’t over compensate by jumping on said stage. I know, it’s shallow but practical.

As for the show, I’m still hooked but I’m a little concerned it might run into a repetition problem. That’s a pretty big problem considering I’m saying this after only two weeks. Next week is critical. If they break no new ground, it withers and dies, one and done. If the content is fresh, a second season is still feasible. I’m rooting for the latter but in the run and gun reality world, you don’t have many chances to find an audience. With 40 million online daters out there, they shouldn’t have to look too hard to find it.