10:56 AM EDT on Friday, July 29, 2005

By BRIAN MORAN / Special to WCNC.com

David Kelly jumped back into the legal game but he’s saving money on legal paper this time around by going scriptless with his latest reality sensation, “The Law Firm”. He once swore off reality television when his gem “The Practice” got its clock cleaned by the slurping noises multiplied by the country's imagination on “Joe Millionaire.” Despite nobody falling down an elevator shaft, his latest effort still had images that are forever seared in my memory which as much as I want to, I won’t soon forget.

When watching the previews, it showed promise as a gritty, true-to-life window into the machinations of the legal system. Quotes like, “Why did you pick up your gun?” and, “He shot him in the back!” rang out in my head during the opening credits. The excitement built as I began to realize this thing was going to be big time. To be a fly on the wall in the back rooms of high profile cases was something I’ve wanted to see my whole life.

The opening case was every bit as compelling as I’d expected. It had social relevance. It had the potential to skew our shared consciousness. In the wrong hands, it might even divide the nation much like the OJ trial. And most importantly, it helped alleviate the stigma that reality television is a nonsensical circus.

“Candy claims that her diminutive, three legged dog named Dingo, was dragged through a fence and was brutally mauled by George’s two huge mastiffs.”

After a little Q&A session with Candy, concerns quickly mount. She seems a little too attached to Dingo to sound impartial on the stand. Things weren’t going so well for the defense either when they went to survey the mastiffs in question. As the dogs bark with venomous hatred through the black eyes of Satan, George is able to detach himself and give an unbiased assessment about his pets, “A blindfolded monkey could tell you those are two non-aggressive dogs.” Yeah, unless they drag him through the hole in the fence and maul him to death. In fact, the monkey will probably be too busy running for his life to tell you anything.

The second case wasn’t much better. An older man accused of impersonating an officer is tried for having pulled over a female motorist whom he believed committed a traffic infraction. In his spare time, he’s also the county coroner. I think the vigilante coroner was the original story line to “Death Wish”.

Back at Camp Dingo, the controversy is immediate and upsetting. The plaintiff decides it’s time to play the Dingo card. And they’re dealing from the bottom of the deck. Dingo hops into court and it's heart breaking. The defense lashes out objections against the wobbly Dingo who seems excited that people are pointing at him. The judge decides it's grounds for a mistrial if a jury was present. Dingo decides it's time for a nap.

In all seriousness, the court cases were pretty absorbing. Chris is a Public Defender with a ton of experience and it showed. Defending a vigilante coroner who ran down a female driver with no jurisdiction is not as easy it sounds. But he put the best possible face on it that he could muster. His objections were quick and pointed. All were sustained. Kelly’s crumbling in the opening statements of arbitration under the pressure of a testy judge was painful yet absorbing to watch. George’s testimony about his backyard minions was off the charts. At one point, he started screaming, “Big dogs running, big dogs out” over and over. He was using his hand as a puppet to represent the spunky Dingo. Finally, he hung himself with his reference to his pit bull terriers “pooh-pooh” that he seemed to say with a sense of reverence. This was all while his own lawyers were questioning him.

He closed with, “Cut off the rest of that dog's legs, and he'd still be a menace.” Jason’s quick thinking decides he wants that stricken from the record. The last thing you want on record is a blubbering, frightening statement that paints your adversary like a raving maniac.

As with all reality shows, two legal eagles are sent back into obscurity. A promo for the following week ran just prior to the announcement results revealing that Kelly and her arbitration collapse and Jason and his quick thinking are dunzo. It marks the first time in reality history that contestants playing for the winning teams were sent home despite their victory. ''The verdict is in, and the catch phrase is lame!”

The series is just beginning but I smell a winner. If they’re able to make cases this ridiculous seem compelling, it’s hard to imagine what a case involving substantial events preferably about humans could produce as entertainment value. This nonsense had enough merit and quality content to distract you away from the absurdity of it all.

I’m guessing the cases going forward will contain more profound meaning. No offense to Dingo, but it would be impossible for them not to.